Stormy Daniels’ ’60 Minutes’ Ratings Beat Trump’s


WELCOME TO “THE LATE SHOW,”
EVERYBODY. I’M YOUR HOST STEPHEN COLBERT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
JUST LIKE THE REST OF AMERICA, I TUNED IN TO “60 MINUTES” LAST
NIGHT TO SEE THE BIG STORY THAT EVERYBODY’S TALKING ABOUT — THE
PROFILE OF GREEK N.B.A. SUPERSTAR GIANNIS ANTEOKOUNMPO. HAPPY SAGANAKI TO THE GREEK
COMMUNITY. BUT BEFORE THAT, “60 MINUTES”
AIRED ANDERSON COOPER’S EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PORN
STAR STORMY DANIELS, WHICH DREW THE HIGHEST RATINGS FOR “60
MINUTES” IN TEN YEARS. THEY HAVEN’T HAD NUMBERS LIKE
THAT SINCE MIKE WALLACE WENT UNDERCOVER AS A POLE DANCER. ( LAUGHTER )
THAT MEANS SUPERSTORM SANDY GOT HIGHER RATINGS THAN DONALD TRUMP
DID RIGHT AFTER HE WAS ELECTED PRESIDENT. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WOW! THAT’S GOTTA STING. THE INTERVIEW COVERED
EVERYTHING — THE PRESIDENT HAD SEX WITH A PORN STAR, SHE
SPANKED HIM WITH A MAGAZINE WITH HIS FACE ON IT, HE DIDN’T WEAR A
CONDOM, LATER THEY WATCHED SHARK WEEK, AND THEN HIS LAWYER PAID
HER TO KEEP HER MOUTH SHUT, AND NOW TRUMP’S SUING THIS PORN STAR
FOR $20 MILLION. IT’S AN INSANE, SALACIOUS TALE
ABOUT A SITTING PRESIDENT AND THE LEAST SURPRISING STORY I’VE
EVER HEARD. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT ALL FELT REAL. IT ALL FELT REAL. IT ALL FELT TRUE. THAT FELT TRUER THAN HIM GETTING
ELECTED. ( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, MS. DANIELS FLESHED OUT THE STORY A BIT, WITH A
DISTURBING AMOUNT OF FLESH.>>HE WAS SHOWING YOU HIS OWN
PICTURE ON THE COVER OF A MAGAZINE.>>RIGHT, RIGHT. AND I WAS LIKE, “SOMEONE SHOULD
TAKE THAT MAGAZINE AND SPANK YOU WITH IT.” AND I SAID, YOU KNOW, “GIVE
ME THAT,” AND I JUST REMEMBER HIM GOING, “YOU WOULDN’T.” “HAND IT OVER.” AND– SO HE DID, AND I WAS LIKE,
“TURN AROUND, DROP ‘EM.” SO HE TURNED AROUND AND PULLED
HIS PANTS DOWN A LITTLE– YOU KNOW HAD UNDERWEAR ON AND STUFF
AND– I JUST GAVE HIM A COUPLE SWATS. AND– FROM THAT MOMENT ON, HE
WAS A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON.>>HOW SO?>>HE QUIT TALKING ABOUT
HIMSELF AND HE ASKED ME THINGS AND I ASKED HIM THINGS AND IT
JUST BECAME, LIKE, MORE APPROPRIATE. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: HMM. HMM. A COUPLE OF SPANKS, AND DONALD
TRUMP STARTED ACTING MORE APPROPRIATE. ( LAUGHTER )
JOHN KELLY, YOU KNOW WHAT TO DO. ( LAUGHTER )
( APPLAUSE ) IT’S FOR YOUR COUNTRY. IT’S FOR YOUR COUNTRY. STORMY ALSO DESCRIBED HOW TRUMP
COMPARED HER TO THE NUMBER ONE WOMAN IN HIS LIFE.>>HE WAS LIKE, “WOW, YOU– YOU
ARE SPECIAL. YOU REMIND ME OF MY DAUGHTER.” ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>>STEPHEN: WOW, THAT’S AWKWARD. NOT AS AWKWARD AS WHEN HE SAID
TO IVANKA, “HONEY, YOU REMIND ME OF THIS PORN STAR I HAD SEX
WITH.” ( LAUGHTER )
AND THEN WE GOT TO THE BIG EVENT.>>I EXCUSED MYSELF AND I WENT
TO THE– THE RESTROOM. YOU KNOW, I WAS IN THERE FOR A
LITTLE BIT AND CAME OUT, AND HE WAS SITTING, YOU KNOW, ON THE
EDGE OF THE BED WHEN I WALKED OUT, PERCHED. I REALIZED EXACTLY WHAT I’D
GOTTEN MYSELF INTO. AND I WAS LIKE, “UGH, HERE WE
GO.>>STEPHEN: “UGH, HERE WE GO.” COINCIDENTALLY, THAT WAS THE
OFFICIAL THEME OF TRUMP’S INAUGURAL BALL. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: UGH, HERE WE GO. JUST STRAP IN. ( LAUGHTER )
YEARS LATER, STORMY SOLD HER STORY TO “IN TOUCH” MAGAZINE. TRUMP FOUND OUT, GOT THE
STORY KILLED, AND THEN THIS HAPPENED —
>>I WAS IN A PARKING LOT, GOING TO A FITNESS CLASS WITH MY
INFANT DAUGHTER, TAKING, YOU KNOW, THE SEATS FACING BACKWARDS
IN THE BACKSEAT, DIAPER BAG, YOU KNOW, GETTING ALL THE STUFF OUT. AND A GUY WALKED UP ON ME AND
SAID TO ME, “LEAVE TRUMP ALONE. FORGET THE STORY.” AND THEN HE LEANED AROUND AND
LOOKED AT MY DAUGHTER AND SAID, “THAT’S A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL. IT’D BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING
HAPPENED TO HER MOM.” AND THEN HE WAS GONE.>>Stephen: WOW. I MEAN, THA THAT GUY SHOULD GO T
JAIL FOR LIFE. NOT JUST FOR THE THREAT, BUT FOR
THAT HACKNEYED MOBSTER DIALOGUE. “HEY, NICE PLACE YOU GOT HERE,
BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING HAPPENED TO IT. TAKE THE GUN, LEAVE THE CANNOLI. WHAT AM I, A CLOWN? GET YOUR SHINE BOX! IT’S-A ME, MARIO! WHEN YOU’RE HERE YOU’RE FAMILY!”
( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ) ALL OF THOSE.>>Jon: I DON’T SHINE SHOES
ANYMORE.>>Stephen: AND THIS MORNING,
MS. DANIELS’ LAWYER TOLD US, “WAIT, THERE’S
MORE.”>>WHAT I WILL SAY IS, THAT SHE
WAS PREPARED TO DISCUSS INTIMATE DETAILS RELATING TO MR. TRUMP. SHE CAN DESCRIBE HIS GENITALIA. ( AUDIENCE REACTS )
>>STEPHEN: SO CAN I. I CAN DESCRIBE ALL MEN’S
GENITALIA. NOT PRETTY. A DE-BONED NAKED MOLE RAT? A LUMP OF PLAY-DOH THAT ROLLED
UNDER THE COUCH AND PICKED UP SOME LINT? ONE OF THOSE WEIRDLY PALE GERMAN
SAUSAGES? I BELIEVE THEY’RE CALLED, “DAS
ITSY-BITSY KLEINESCHWANZE?”

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