Tiffany Haddish Doesn’t Need Men, She Has A Blanket


GENTLEMEN, FOLKS, MY FIRST GUEST
TONIGHT WAS THE BREAKOUT STAR OF “GIRLS TRIP.” NOW SHE’S AN EMMY WINNER AND
STAR OF THE NEW FILM “NIGHT SCHOOL.” PLEASE WELCOME BACK TO “THE LATE
SHOW,” TIFFANY HADDISH! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: HEY! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: HEY! GOOD TO SEE YOU AGAIN! REALLY NICE TO HAVE YOU BACK. HAD SUCH A GOOD TIME WITH YOU
WHEN YOU WERE HERE LAST TIME.>>YES, WE DID. I LIKE THIS BEARD YOU GOT GOIN’
ON.>>Stephen: REALLY? WE NEED TO PUT YOU ON
Facebook ON THIS THING CALLED BEARD GANG.>>Stephen: WHAT’S BEARD GANG? IT’S A BUNCH OF SEXY MEN IN
BEARDS AND SWEAT PANTS.>>Stephen: REALLY? YES.>>Stephen: ARE THE SWEAT
PANTS SEXY, TOO, OR IS IT UNSEXY TO BALANCE OUT HOW SEXY THE
BEARD IS?>>NO, THE SWEAT PANTS ARE MAN’S
LINGERIE, BASICALLY.>>Stephen: I DON’T OWN A PAIR
OF SWEAT PANTS.>>WELL, MAYBE I’LL SEND YOU
SOME.>>Stephen: WELL, THANK YOU
VERY MUCH. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.>>I’M SURE YOUR WIFE WILL
APPRECIATE IT.>>Stephen: YEAH, SHE’LL LIKE
THE SWEAT PANTS MORE THAN THE BEARD BECAUSE SHE WANTS THIS
GONE.>>WHY? IS IT ROUGH?>>Stephen: IT’S SCRATCHY. MAY I TOUCH IT?>>Stephen: YOU MAY, YOU MAY. YOU SHOULD CONDITION IT. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )>>Stephen: I’LL KEEP THAT IN
MIND.>>PUT SOME COCO NUT OIL IN IT.>>Stephen: I WILL. BEFORE YOU GO TO BED AT
NIGHT.>>Stephen: AND MAYBE A LITTLE
SCARF TO TIE IT UP.>>YEAH!>>Stephen: THAT’S A SEXY
LOOK.>>THAT BEARD GANG ETIQUETTE!>>Stephen: WHAT A ROCKET
RIDE. YOU WERE HAVING AN AMAZING YEAR
LAST YEAR, NOW WON AN EMMY FOR HOSTING “SNL.” CONGRATULATIONS.>>THANK YOU. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: FIRST EMMYS. FIRST EMMYS.>>Stephen: FIRST EMMYS AND
FIRST WIN AT AN EMMY?>>YES.>>Stephen: WAS IT WHAT YOU
EXPECTED?>>IT WAS A FUN NIGHT. IT WAS GREAT HANGING OUT WITH
ANGELA AND JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE AND JESSICA BIEL. MY FAVORITE PART WAS WHEN THEY
ANNOUNCED YOUR NAME AND THE AUDIENCE WENT BANANAS. I THOUGHT, DID HE PAY FOR THAT? I THOUGHT, I WANT PEOPLE TO
SCREAM LIKE THAT FOR ME ONE DAY. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
( PIANO RIFF )>>Stephen:
( AUDIENCE CHANTING TIFFANY ) THERE YOU GO.>>Y’ALL BETTER STOP BEFORE I
RUN FOR PRESIDENT. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: PLEASE, PLEASE DO. ( LAUGHTER )
DID YOU GET TO MEET PEOPLE? IT’S ALSO NICE TO RUN INTO
PEOPLE BECAUSE, OH, YOU’RE FAMOUS, BUT THERE ARE SO MANY
OTHER FAMOUS PEOPLE YOU HAVEN’T MET YOU LIKE.>>I GOT TO MEET HENRY WINKLER.>>Stephen: HE’S THE BEST. I REMEMBER WATCHING HIM ON
HAPPY DAYS, SUCKING MY THUMB AND THINKING, I WISH I COULD DATE
THE FONZE.>>Stephen: THERE’S AN AGE
DIFFERENCE, BUT I BET HE WOULD GO FOR IT.>>I LIKE MY MEN GROWN.>>Stephen: ALL RIGHT. YEAH, THERE YOU GO. NOW, I DID NOT SEE YOU THERE,
THOUGH. WHERE WERE YOU SITTING?>>THE SECOND ROW. WHERE WERE YOU SITTING?>>Stephen: I WAS SITTING IN
THE FIFTH ROW.>>OKAY.>>Stephen: NEXT TIME, COME
OVER AND SAY HI TO ME AND MY WIFE, I WOULD LOVE HER TO MEET
YOU.>>I SAW YOUR WIFE, I DIDN’T SEE
YOU.>>Stephen: WHY DIDN’T YOU SEE
ME? WHERE WAS SHE?>>SHE WAS TALKING TO SOME GUY. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: I THINK IT’S DAVID HARBOR FROM “STRANGER THINGS.”>>OR MAYBE IT WAS YOU AND I
JUST DIDN’T RECOGNIZE YOU WITH THE BEARD.>>Stephen: BECAUSE I’M SO
OLD. YOU’RE SO BUSY, YOU’VE GOT THREE
MOVIES COMING OUT IN THE NEXT THREE MONTHS, YOU HAVE NIGHT
SCHOOL WHICH WE’RE TALKING ABOUT TONIGHT, YOU HAVE THE OATH AND
NOBODY’S FOOL. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHAT YOU’RE
GOING TO DO?>>WELL, MY GOAL IS TO DO 50
MOVIES BY THE TIME I’M 50, RIGHT? SO —
>>Stephen: YOU’VE GOT TO KEEP THE PACE UP?>>THEY’RE NOT ALL GOING TO BE
GREAT MOVIES.>>Stephen: BUT MOVIES. THEY’RE ALL GOING TO BE
MOVIES. THE THING THAT MAKES ME DISIDE
IS DOES IT RESONATE WITH MY SPIRIT, MAKE HE LAUGH AND FEEL
SOMETHING.>>Stephen: YOU WILL BE BUSY. IT TAKES ABOUT THREE MONTHS TO
DO A MOVIE.>>ABOUT SIX DAYS
( LAUGHTER )>>Stephen: DO YOU GIVE UP
ANYTHING IN YOUR PERSONAL LIFE? A LOT OF TIMES EVERYTHING HAS TO
GO EXCEPT THE WORK.>>I’VE KEPT UP WITH MOST
EVERYTHING, BUT I HAVEN’T BEEN DATING, SO — I MEAN, MY
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIPS HAVEN’T BEEN THAT GOOD, SO, BUT I HAVE
BEEN KEEPING UP WITH MY WEIGHTED BLANKET AND TOYS I GET OFF OF
GROUPON AND BATTERIES. BATTERIES ARE A GIRL’S BEST
FRIEND. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
I LIKE THE BAND IS LOOKING AT ME TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IS SHE
TALKING ABOUT?>>Stephen: I’LL ADD MYSELF TO
THAT LIST. I’LL HAVE TO ASK YOU ABOUT ONE
OF THE THINGS. WHAT IS A WEIGHTED BLANKET?>>A BLANKET FILLED WITH, I
THINK, SAND. IT’S, LIKE, 25 POUNDS, AND YOU
CAN THROW THAT OVER YOUR LEGS, AND YOU SPRAY A LITTLE COLOGNE
OVER IT AND THROW IT OVER YOUR ARMS AND IT FEEL LIKE A MAN IS
HOLDING YOU. AND YOU SNUGGLE UP IN IT LIKE
THIS RIGHT HERE, LIKE THAT RIGHT THERE. AND THEN YOU OPEN UP YOUR NIGHT
STAND DRAWER, PUT YOUR BATTERIES IN —
( LAUGHTER )>>Stephen: RIGHT, RIGHT. AND GO TO SLEEP.>>Stephen: EXACTLY. BECAUSE YOU’VE GOT YOUR READING
LIGHT. YOU’RE GOING TO READ A BOOK
BEFORE YOU GO TO BED.>>AND YOU GO TO SLEEP AND YOU
DON’T HAVE TO MAKE HIM BREAKFAST OR TALK TO THE WEIGHTED BLANKET
OR SOMETHING.>>Stephen: SO NO MEN? YEAH, I’M WAITING, THOUGH. I’M WAITING WITH MY WEIGHTED
BLANKET.>>Stephen: “NIGHT SCHOOL,” IS
IT EDUCATIONAL?>>IT’S AN EDUCATIONAL MOVIE,
IT’S A COMEDY AND ABOUT SECOND CHANCES. JUST BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T MAKE IT
THROUGH HIGH SCHOOL TH THE FIRST TIME DOESN’T MEAN YOU CAN’T TRY
AGAIN. I’M CARRIE, A SCHOOL TEACHER. KEVIN HART IS ONE OF THE STARS
OF THE MOVIE.>>Stephen: SURE. ( CHEERING )
>>AND HE’S TRYING TO GET BACK INTO SCHOOL.>>Stephen: WHAT KIND OF
STUDENT WERE YOU. WOULD YOU WANT YOU AS A STUDENT
IF YOU WERE THE TEACHER?>>I WOULD LOVE ME AS A STUDENT
BECAUSE I WAS A FUNNY KID. I MIGHT NOT HAVE HAD THE BEST
LEARNING CAPABILITY, BUT I WAS FUN.>>Stephen: I WAS A FUNNY KID,
TOO, WHICH IS WHY THEY DIDN’T WANT ME AS A STUDENT.>>YEAH, BUT I ALWAYS PUT MY
BEST FOOT FORWARD, TRYING TO MAKE THE TEACHER LAUGH FIRST,
THEN THE REST OF THE STUDENTS, AND THAT’S HOW YOU GET GOOD
GRADES.>>Stephen: I UNDERSTAND YOU
HAD IMAGINARY FRIENDS TO A VERY MATURE AGE.>>YEAH, I HAD IMAGINARY FRIENDS
TILL I WAS, LIKE, IN TENTH GRADE. THAT WAS MY WAY OF MAKING REAL
FRIENDS. I HAD THIS BIRD — I USED TO
THIS ONE TEACHER OFF BECAUSE I HAD AN IMAGINARY BIRD AND CALLED
IT CRACKER, AND I WOULD SAY CRACKER WANT A POLY.>>AND YOU WOULD BREAK REAL
CRACKERS TO A FAKE BIRD.>>THAT WASN’T THERE. AND WHEN WE WOULD HAVE TESTS,
BECAUSE I WAS A PROFESSIONAL CHEATER, I WOULD BE, LIKE,
WHAT’S THE ANSWER TO NUMBER SEVEN CRACKER, AND THEY WOULD
BE, GET OUT OF YOU, YOU BEING RACIST! I WOULD BE, LIKE, NO, I’M
TALKING TO MY BIRD. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WE HAVE A CLIP OF YOU AND KEVIN HART. YOU ARE IN A WRESTLING RING.>>SOME PEOPLE LEARN AUDIO, YOU
KNOW, VERBALLY, BY WORDS, OTHER PEOPLE LEARN VISUALLY, AND SOME
PEOPLE NEED TO LEARN PHYSICALLY.>>Stephen: JIM? ♪
>>HOW YOU FEELING TODAY, TEDDY? I’M — I’M FEELING FINE. WHAT’S THE CAPITAL OF
BELGIUM?>>UH — WAFFLES? WHAT?! WHAT IS THE CAPITAL OF BELGIUM?>>I DIDN’T EAT BREAKFAST, I
DON’T KNOW!>>THAT’S NOT IT! PRETEND YOU’RE DEAD! GET BACK HERE! ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
>>Stephen: YOU LOOK TOUGH. YOU LOOK VERY COMFORTABLE IN THE
RING THERE.>>YEAH, I’M COMFORTABLE.>>Stephen: DO YOU DO YOUR OWN
STUNTS?>>I TRY TO DO MY OWN STUNTS AS
MUCH AS POSSIBLE, BUT THE STUDIO GETS AFRAID BECAUSE I GET REAL
PHYSICAL.>>Stephen: AND KEVIN HART IS
FRAGILE?>>HE IS.>>Stephen: YES. HE IS QUITE FRAGILE.>>Stephen: WHAT’S HE LIKE IN
THE RING? CAN HE HOLD HIS OWN.>>HE CAN HOLD HIS OWN, BUT HE’S
NOTHING COMPARED TO ME. ( LAUGHTER )
>>Stephen: WE TALKED ABOUT THIS BEFORE, YOU WERE INDEBTED
TO HIM BECAUSE HE GAVE YOU $300 EARLY ON IF YOUR CAREER.>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: TO SORT OF SUSTAIN
YOU.>>RIGHT.>>Stephen: WHERE DOES THAT
STAND RIGHT NOW?>>I HAVE TRIED TO PAY HIM BACK
MULTIPLE TIMES, AND EVERY TIME HE SLIPS MONEY BACK TO ME SOME
KIND OF WAY.>>Stephen: SO YOU GIVE HIM
$300 IN CASH?>>YEAH, I TRIED TO GIVE HIM
$300 IN CASH, AND HE WILL BE, LIKE, I DON’T WANT IT, I DON’T
WANT IT. AND NOT TOO LONG I THREW THE
MONEY AT HIM IN FRONT OF THE CAMERA, LIKE HE WAS A DANCER IN
A CLUB, AND I MADE IT RAIN ON HIM. AND HE SLIPPED IT INTO A WIG CAP
I HAD IN MY BACKPACK. SO I PUT THE MONEY IN SOME BABY
SHOES THAT WAS HIS SIZE. ( LAUGHTER )
( PIANO RIFF )>>Stephen: UH-HUH. AND GAVE HIM THE SHOES, LIKE,
HERE YOU GO. AND JUST RECENTLY, I FOUND SOME
VIDEO WHERE HE PUT THE MONEY — HE WENT DOWN TO TIMES SQUARE
WHERE THE BILLBOARD IS AND TAPED IT TO MY MOUTH. LAST NIGHT WHEN I SAW THE VIDEO,
I TOLD HIM HIS MIC PACK WAS LOOSE AND I STUFFED THE MONEY
BACK IN HIS PANTS, SO HE GOT THE MONEY BACK AND I’M DONE. IT’S DONE!>>Stephen: OKAY, KEVIN, IT’S
SETTLED. IT’S SETTLED. ( CHEERS AND APPLAUSE )
WELL, PLEASE COME BACK MANY TIMES.>>I WILL, I WILL.>>Stephen: NIGHT SCHOOL OPENS
NEXT FRIDAY. TIFFANY HADDISH, EVERYBODY!

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